For most of us, there is an unconscious set of rules governing our moment-to-moment experience of life—rules like, "Fit in. Strive for the best outcome. Smile. Be positive. Stay small, but also shine brightly. Make sure others around you are comfortable and happy. Hold it all together and don't let anyone see the messy parts. "
And we were never meant to live like this. Thankfully, the suffering inherent in living according to all of these unwritten rules eventually points us back home.
Back to our true nature of wholeness, peace, and causeless joy. Back to the YOU you were before you learned to perform. Before you learned to pretend. Before you learned to hide the parts you learned were not worthy of the display window.
The beauty and mystery of this exploration is that we begin to see all of this conditioning for what it is--programs and ideas that have NOTHING to do with who we are. The learned ideas and behaviors say NOTHING about us. They simply arise in whatever form they arise so that we can begin to recognize who we really are. In this exploration of the universal and very normal experience of conditioning, there is no room for blame, shame, or regret. There is simply THIS moment arising as THIS. There is noticing. Curiosity. Grace for the experience of being human with all its messy bits. Unconditional love for the thoughts, stories, beliefs, and even behaviors that arise through us...AS us.
I wrote a poem last week that captures what I was seeing in the moment about this GREAT Letting Go of the need to hold it all together. In a truer sense, the letting go is not something I—Missy—do (thank God). It is a letting go that happens on its own. It is a seeing. A felt sense that this holding-on is no longer serving me. There is so much freedom in the letting go.
At three years old, you’re told
Smile for the camera.
No, not that smile! A bigger, brighter one.
Yes, good girl.
Now, go give Uncle John a big hug
And tell him thank you for the flowers.
I know you don’t want to
But that’s what good girls do.
At ten years old, you’re told
Shine like a diamond in front of the judges
Don’t let them see you sweat.
Play the piano, twirl the baton, do a perfect pirouette.
I know you don’t feel good
But that’s not important.
What’s important is shining;
So keep doing what you know is good and right.
At twenty years old, you’re told
Make everyone happy.
Take responsibility for their feelings.
Never let anyone down.
Fit in.
Be important.
Don’t fall behind.
I know you’re tired
But that’s not important.
What’s important is appearances.
So keep them up, and we all win.
At thirty years old, you’re a fish in water.
Performing and pretending
Are as natural as your breathing.
You have forgotten who you are.
You follow all the rules
And you don’t even know you’re doing it.
Be happy on your birthday. Or at least fake it.
Make small talk for hours
Even when you’re exhausted.
Bring only happiness and joy on holidays.
There’s no room for anything else.
Keep your messes and your wounds
locked behind closed doors.
No one wants to see those things.
Pretend. Perform. Strive. Achieve.
And most importantly, HOLD IT ALL TOGETHER.
Because if you don’t….
Because if you don’t…
Oh my God, WAIT…
What IF you don’t?
What IF you don’t hold it all together?
What if you could remember who you were
Before you learned to perform?
Before you learned the rules?
Before the labels were added to you like stickers on a notebook:
Good. Bad.
Winner. Loser.
Worthy. Worthless.
Normal. Weird.
Successful. Floundering.
Healthy. Sick.
Right now. In this moment.
What IF you could see that the rules and the labels
Were never real?
They were all made up
Like fairy tales written in disappearing ink.
What IF you could simply wake up
And be who you’ve always been;
The you without the stickers.
Could it be that simple?
I think it can.
No digging or figuring out required.
No endless trips down memory lane.
No rearranging labels and stickers on the notebook.
No recreating themes and settings for the fairy tales.
It’s time to wake up.
No more performing.
No more keeping up.
No more pretending.
No more striving.
Just this. You. Now.
Life arising in this moment as the perfection of YOU.
Complete.
Whole.
Amazing.
Wonderful.
You.