Humans are a funny species; we call beliefs and preferences our own, as if we had anything to do with how they were acquired.
I have a beautiful, talented, kindhearted client I will call Rachel for the purpose of anonymity. Rachel, like many of my clients, has a mind that talks a lot about weight, food, and size. She spent a good deal of her teens and twenties trying everything in her power to control and manage the size and shape of her body. Foods fell into messy, arbitrary categories of "good" and "bad." Cycles of binge-eating followed by purging or exercising led to periods of deep shame and guilt. Shame and guilt, of course, perpetuated the cycle of binge-eating and purging.
Like many women, Rachel worked tirelessly to manage and hide her merry-go-round of obsessive thoughts, binge-eating, and shame. She learned to make adjustments to her social calendar, reigning-in her commitments to participate in activities that weren't absolutely necessary. Her mind's list of "safe people'' and "safe environments" grew smaller and smaller.
When Rachel came to me, she was quite thin and feeling desperate. In her words, she needed to get her body-obsession under control so that she could gain some weight and hopefully allow her body to menstruate again.
Within a couple sessions, it was easy to see that one of the greatest contributors to Rachel's suffering was her belief that she had somehow done this to herself; that she had created this issue and it was now "on her" to undo the damage. That's a pretty heavy load for anyone to carry.
So, we began exploring how beliefs and preferences are acquired, not chosen. We looked at the programming and cultural conditioning that begin (for everyone) long before we're even born. Together, we zoomed out a little bit and looked, from a distance, at how generations of handed-down, worn-out beliefs have been taken as THE truth of what is good, pretty, and valuable.
While Rachel was still in utero, she was already acquiring many of the ideas and concepts that would grow, through early childhood conditioning, into unquestioned beliefs about herself and the world. Not once during this time, did Rachel choose her mindset or her beliefs about weight, value, and beauty. Those were added to her, like software added to a new computer. These invisible beliefs became the lens through which Rachel saw her world–and her worth as a human being.
While it appeared that Rachel had the same choices as everyone else during her teens and twenties, in truth, her choices were significantly filtered through the invisible, unconscious belief, "I am only safe and worthy if I am thin." Through that veil, binge-eating and purging made perfect sense. Her efficient, protective mind was trying to help her; trying to point her to safety and worthiness. The obsessive and intrusive thoughts were never a problem to be solved; they were an indication that some invisible beliefs were ready to be seen and questioned.
In time, Rachel began to loosen her grip on the idea that she had "done this to herself" and "needed to get control over it." This opened up a whole new level of willingness to see something new about herself and her inherent worth. Rachel felt lighter, knowing that her "issue" wasn't personal; it said nothing about her value, her goodness, or her strength.
We began looking at some of the obsessive and intrusive stories that Rachel's mind liked to tell. And, for the first time ever, Rachel felt courageous enough to look at some of them right in the eye. Together, we said "hello" to the stories about numbers on the scale, food lists, and forbidden restaurants and people. We invited the scary stories of "I'll probably die if I don't fix this soon" to come to the table and be seen and heard. We met them with compassion and curiosity.
As Rachel spent less time pushing her intrusive and obsessive stories away, she noticed brief moments of lightness and expansion. In those moments, she was able to see her mind's stories as invitations to build her "trust-muscles." In the discomfort of the urges to binge and purge, she was able to offer compassion to that same story-telling mind she had once condemned.
As Rachel learned to simply notice her mind's compelling stories (and accompanying physical tension in her body), she found herself less inclined to need them to go away. Discomfort was no longer something to avoid but something to allow to flow through, like storm clouds through a vast blue sky.
Over time, Rachel added the weight she had hoped to add in order to feel healthier. Even more importantly, she gained a deeper trust in Life–in that intelligent, timeless energy that spins the planets and grows acorns into oak trees. The need to manage and control let go of Rachel (It was never hers to let go of). She began to trust that something greater than her intellect was guiding her, moving her, and carrying her. In contrast to the number on the scale, Rachel herself was lighter.
And a funny thing happened a few months after Rachel finished her sessions with me. She texted me to let me know that for the first time in years, her jeans were too tight. And, as expected, her mind had a LOT of harsh things to say about it.
Luckily, I knew that all Rachel needed in that moment was a simple reminder that she was caught-up in an old, worn-out, habitual story, handed down from generations ago. The icky feelings of tension and tightness in her body had nothing to do with the fit of her jeans; those feelings were an invitation to remember who she (always) is beneath and beyond the story her mind is creating.
With a quick pointer, Rachel turned toward the story and said, "hello, old friend." She was able to fall out of her intellect and into her heart, offering compassion and grace to that efficient, protective mind that was just doing its job. Rachel saw beyond the story of the "too-tight jeans" and remembered her innate health, safety, and worthiness. It was there all along.
If you'd like to learn more about how my clients and I work together, please join me for my FREE monthly webinars. The next on is on Wednesday, November 9th at 3pm EST. Just email me or click the "contact me" button to let me know.
Also, I have a couple spots left in my upcoming FREE mini-series "Thriving Through the Holidays." This small, intimate group will spend 5 Tuesday afternoons together, for 30-40 minutes, beginning Tuesday, November 15th at 2pm EST. We'll bask in the peace and the joy that are always available when we fall into that infinate space of love within us. Just email me or click below:
https://www.missymaioranocoaching.com/contact
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Love,
Missy