Early this morning, a couple hours before the sun rose, I awoke with a racing mind and a particularly powerful arsenal of adrenaline and cortisol coursing through my veins. There was so much that needed my attention and so many balls that had already been dropped. There was a daughter with an alarming, new diagnosis to worry about, a flooded apartment that needed tending to, appointments that had been forgotten and needed to be rescheduled, police reports to review for a vehicle stolen from in front of our home, and multiple clients who needed my immediate attention. It was all so important. Urgent. High-stakes. Real.
And for a few moments, I fell for all of it—hook, line, and sinker.
I was mesmerized by my mind's high-speed calculations of possible solutions that might secure me and help me relax again: who to call first after sunrise, how to make sure everyone is happy with me, how to ensure that nothing happens that might be uncomfortable for me or for anyone else, how to control every possible outcome so that everyone and everything is OK.
The more I looked to my mind for solutions, the more my body crunched and contracted in my bed. With each attempt to move away from the experience of urgency and fear, that experience only grew LOUDER and more intense.
And then,
Remembering happened.
Softening happened.
Words with the sweetness and gentleness of warm honey poured through me...
Sweet girl, there is nothing here to solve. Nothing to make sense of. Nothing to figure out. Nothing to do. There is simply a strong experience of fear and insecurity moving through you. Leave it alone and allow it to do its good work. It is trustworthy. There are old beliefs, ideas, and programming that you have outgrown. It is time to shed that old skin. Simply FEEL this shedding, this expansion. You are already safe and secure. Just NOTICE the contraction of this experience, and know that it is perfect for this moment. There is nothing to fear here. Nothing has gone wrong.
And just like that, my unconditional trust in the Love that holds and animates all experience came shining through like the sun.
There was something so much greater and more stable than fleeting experience for me to lean into.
There was nothing to solve, figure out, or manage.
I was held. This experience was, in its own right, a reward.
Later in the morning, after my water aerobics class, I noticed how everything that "needed" to get done simply got done. Without buying into all the narratives of my pre-sunrise worries, energy was abundant. Appointments were rescheduled (without the old, familiar stories of being "wrong" or "a loser"). Client needs were met with love and compassion. And habitual narratives about my children were held with love and grace.
These days, I am grateful for moments of being lost in old programming. I am grateful for waves of contractions that move through me in the form of urgent stories, uncomfortable sensations, and big emotions. Even when it all feels so compelling and real, I remember more quickly each time, that I am ready to shed another layer of skin—ready to outgrow old beliefs and ideas that no longer serve me. Expansion is happening.
I still have a normal, healthy human mind that loves to pretend to know how things should go, but I am so much less apt to buy into it. Most days, I find myself hanging out in the space of not-knowing; in that ineffable, miraculous space of "I don't know...but I trust."
And the world within me seems so much softer.
A couple of months ago, I wrote this poem when I found myself lost in old narratives and conditioning. May it help you remember the beauty of growing softer.
Help Me Grow Softer
Right now, I am mesmerized by the world of form swirling around me.
Problems look real, true, and urgent.
I am lost in the dramatic interpretations of a conditioned mind.
Urgency and desperation feel like lights on the runway that I must follow in order to secure my safety, my wellbeing, and my very existence.
I am lost in a tidal pool of beliefs that say I know what is best, I know what is good and right, and I know how things should be.
My grip on the steering wheel of control and knowledge-seeking has become unbearably tight.
I am weary.
The burden is heavy.
I cannot go on like this.
So, I raise my hands high in a posture of deep surrender.
Please…
Help me grow softer.
Help me turn toward the sanctuary within so that I may tend to the wounds crying out for Love, Compassion, and Grace.
Help me release the narrative of my mind and welcome this energy that is asking to be held…
This energy of fear.
This energy of resistance.
This energy of urgency.
Help me welcome them in, free from the narrative loop that has kept my fortress tall and impenetrable.
Help me grow softer.
Take away the mountain of knowledge and logic that pretends to keep me safe.
Remove the deep well of memories that profess their allegiance to my healing
But secretly serve to keep me stagnant and spellbound.
Return me to the space of not-knowing,
The space of surrender and trust.
The space where HOW and WHY questions are met with the gentle reminder:
“I don’t know.”
Help me grow softer.
Help me hold the child within, the precious one who is frightened, urgent, and distressed.
Cradle me in tenderness and grace so that I may do the same for her.
Remind me to be soft when the tension in my body grows strong.
Remind me to be gentle when the emotions feel jagged.
Remind me to look within when circumstances demand my outward attention.
Help me grow softer.
Help me tend to the wounds within.
Remove from my heart any agenda other than love for the parts of me that are ready to be transmuted.
I release the belief that my mind holds the solutions.
In my letting go, I fall into the gentle pool of infinite possibilities.
In my surrender, I receive the Abundance, Love, and Freedom that are my birthright.
If you'd like to hear more on this topic, consider clicking here to watch a little video I made about it.
If you'd like to be part of an upcoming small group that explores our innate wellbeing, please click here to learn more. We begin on Monday, August 5th at 3pm EDT/8pm UK.
As always, I would love to hear from you.
With Love and Light,
Missy