Have you ever wondered why there seems to be a disconnect between what you know intellectually and what happens with your words, reactions, and behaviors?

Maybe you KNOW that going to the dentist for a check-up is totally safe, but your whole body shakes with fear as soon as you make the appointment. Canceling becomes the only available option. Or, maybe you KNOW that eating too much food is going to wreak havoc on your digestive system, but you find yourself in endless patterns of overeating to the point of pain.

This seeming disconnect between your logical mind and your body's response actually makes perfect sense.

The words we speak, the physiological responses in our body, as well as our actions and behaviors, are all pretty miraculous reflections of what is innocently being believed on an unconscious level.

So, let's take a peek at where this all begins.

Just like every other mammal on the planet, you came into the world with an incredibly efficient self-protection system called the autonomic nervous system. The number-one goal of this system is to keep you safe and alive. It does this by collecting sensory data from every experience you have, analyzing it, and then drawing conclusions based on what looks true and real. All of this happens in a fraction of a second. And your adorable, logical mind—that chatty little voice in your head—has nothing to do with any of it. It has no awareness it's even happening. Conclusions and assumptions are simply being made and stored as unconscious beliefs. There is no YOU in there doing any of this. It's simply happening. On its own.

Sensory Data collected. Sensory Data interpreted. Conclusions drawn. Beliefs formed.

All happening without the knowledge of that voice in your head you call your logical mind.

Most of us feel pretty confident that we KNOW what our beliefs are. We say things like, I believe in equality. I believe that forgiveness is important. And, I believe that I make good decisions.

But the beliefs that drive the inner workings of the autonomic nervous system are the ones that fly low under the radar, quietly running the show without revealing their existence. These are the sneaky beliefs— the ones that silently assert: I'm not good enough. No one will like me. I can't handle this. I'm all alone. I'm flawed. I'm not worthy. I'm separate and vulnerable. And, something's wrong with me.

These silent, hidden beliefs are the result of simply being human in a human world. They're formed through generations of cultural programming that tell you who you SHOULD be and how you MUST think and behave in order to survive. They're also the result of what I call "shocks to the system" like bullying, neglect, unmet expectations, and loss. Each experience, from the moment we're born (really, from the moment of conception, but that's for another blog), is registered by the autonomic nervous system and then quickly given meaning and significance.

And, because the only goal of the autonomic nervous system is to Protect & Preserve, all meaning and significance is filtered through this one lens: "How is this experience a threat to my safety and wellbeing?"

The Protect & Preserve System prioritizes efficiency over accuracy, so it does not take time to fact-check its reports to the logical mind. It fills in gaps of information with whatever is MOST likely to grab your attention and rouse vigilance and fear. Evolutionarily speaking, this is a really great feature! Better to scream "TIGER" ten times and be wrong nine of those times than to waste time fact-checking and allow the one tiger to eat you.

In today's modern world, of course, the Protect & Preserve System has no actual tigers to work with, so it has found some pretty cool modern-day equivalents.

Today's tigers look like this:

Being judged

Being left out

Being forgotten

Not being heard or seen

Being questioned or challenged

Anything unfamiliar or unexpected

Not being believed or taken seriously

Anything that reinforces a ME vs. THEM dynamic

Anything that sets me apart as weird, different, unworthy, or broken

Disconfirming information (any news that doesn't match what I already believe about myself or the world)

Remember, the whole point of the system is to OVER-ESTIMATE threats and UNDER-ESTIMATE your ability to cope with them. (Basically, the system lies so that you'll be extra vigilant and ready to fight or flee.)

Imagine that you have strong religious or political beliefs. If someone challenges your beliefs, it will FEEL much more threatening than it actually is. To your nervous system, it's not your beliefs being challenged—it's your IDENTITY! It's YOU being attacked, challenged, or questioned. To a Protect & Preserve System, this is like facing a firing squad—and you will feel that!

Even if your logical, intellectual mind knows that there is no actual threat, your autonomic nervous system will still perceive real and present danger based on past experiences. Hence, your whole body may light-up in dramatic fashion with a racing heart, shaking voice, a dry mouth, intense anger or rage, and an urge to defend yourself or fight back. You may tell yourself to say or do one thing only to be amazed by how your words and actions take on a life of their own.

THIS IS THE GIFT. NOTHING IS GOING WRONG.

Our behaviors, words, and physiological reactions are simply revealing the beliefs that have, until now, remained stealthily hidden beneath our awareness.

The behaviors and reactions that our logical minds hate the most are the ones brilliantly bringing to LIGHT what has—before now—been running the show unseen.

We are ready to shine a light on what wants to be seen and felt. It's time.

And THIS is where the healing begins.

Next week, we'll explore Part 2: Learning to Feel Safe again.

I am learning to feel safe.

This takes time, patience, and vulnerability.

I am learning that my mind's stories are not The Truth.

I am doing my best, one step at a time.

The process is messy, and that is OK.

I am learning to feel safe.